When will the fossil fuel lobby get a fair go in this country?
Guest piece by Prime Minister Anthony Albanese
G’Day Australia,
This week we’ve seen a lot of slander from the Greens, economists and climate experts claiming that my Labor Party simply refuse to negotiate on our climate proposal but that is simply not true. We have been more than willing to compromise on every bit of our soul with those who know what they are talking about, our fossil fuel donors.
The quiet, regular working class voters I speak to on taxpayer funded private jet flights to hang out with the fossil fuel magnates and the Murdoch family all agree that the scientists and economists are stupid and my policy is as far below the minimum required for me to have to grow a backbone, anything more would be making perfect the enemy of the good.
These reasoned policies are about saving the jobs of the working class people who share their stories with me while their servants feed me caviar on their private islands.
It's about time someone returned the favour after they gave more money to us than the Liberal Party during the election. We will deliver on this by throwing them a bone worth billions of dollars.
I mean these battlers haven't made money in decades, according to their taxes, and unlike the far left, I want to help them.
See, as a nation we simply must move forward not being swayed by the political class, or the science, and strength our safeguard mechanism based on ‘carbon credits’ that the fossil fuel industry made up and controls. It’s simply the only way that I am willing to hear.
This discussion should not be left to politicians who are affected by bias. This issue isn’t like Peter Dutton with the First Nations Voice To Parliament, here I cannot be willing to compromise to their silly, bad-faith demands.
Look we have an electoral mandate to deliver disproven pseudoscience that will do nothing to help, because we didn’t give voters a better option.
If you’ve read any breakdown of this debate, you know the most important thing in politics isn’t doing the right thing, it’s the spectacle… and rest assured Australia, that is all we care about.
So, when we say “the bill won't change, take it or leave it”, it’s different from when Scott used to do it. It’s simply us leaving the door wide open for them to shut the fuck up and kiss the coal-encrusted ring. But the woke planet just refuses to compromise on whether we really need to stop opening new fossil fuel projects.
All this is why moving forward I plan to enshrine a Voice to Parliament to represent the fossil fuel industry.
Traditionally they have only gotten their voices heard thanks to politicians with open ears and pockets, but as the country moves forward into new uncertain times I believe it is imperative that those destroying the planet be heard about whether we should try to stop them.
Regards,
Anthony Albanese
Prime Minister and Professional Disappointment
Other work from John this week:
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If anyone knows of any place looking for a young, cheap writer or comedian with years of experience, please suggest me or something. I could really use the work :)