“WE MUST BAIT NUCLEAR WAR! IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO STAY SAFE!!!" By Fairfax editorial
Plus, why I am changing my name to 'Nuclear Submarine'
RED ALERT AUSTRALIA!!!!
THEY'RE COMING!!!! Be afraid! Be very afraid! We at the Fairfax mastheads asked some warmongers and they say China will invade in 3 years time! We, as a media company, are going to prepare for this war by doing whatever we can to instigate said war!!!
We don’t care how many articles we need to double down with or how much it will cost us reputationally, we will keep digging deeper and deeper.
But due to our plummeting readership, we can’t do this alone and need your help.
That’s why we’re glad that Anthony Albanese announced that despite saying there is simply no money to waste on silly things like fixing the NDIS or helping people out of poverty, he already had plans to invest even more money to those who truly need it most, the Military Industrial Complex.
$368B to be precise, buying up some Nuclear Submarines that will arrive in decades to come, to help stop the invasion in a few years. We thank our glorious leader for his strong action on this invasion!
Now these pre-planned announcements were timed in such a way that we hope none of you question any of it, there is no time for that. Just simply know that anyone who questions anything is likely a spy hell bent on destroying this great nation!!!
But it saddens us that no matter how many comments we delete from our articles, not everyone is jumping on board with safely declaring war with a major military power for some reason? And, to those of you who feel that way, we would like you to think about how scary and EVIL the colour red is! AHHHH!!!
Red is not just the colour of the Chinese flag, it’s the colour of the Soviet flag and it’s the colour of blood and the angry M&M from the ads!!!
Also, ignore the ignorant fools who accused us of taking part in something that could have been taken straight out of ‘Doctor Strangelove’. We argue that there is nothing strange about loving nuclear war and that they are only saying that because they are TRAITORS!!!
Learn to accept that we are not like ‘Mccarthyist propagandists’. No, we are more like matadors bravely waving a red flag around guiding some enraged bull.
It’s clear that we have no time to waste. The invasion has basically already started so get up, show some true blue spirit and help us ensure that the planet reaches Net 0 People by 2030 and let’s put the ‘dead’ back into the phrase ‘3 year deadline’.
Come on, what’s the worst that can happen?
Yours,
The Editor-in-War-Chief of The Sydney Morning Herald and The Age
Life Update: I’m changing my name!!
Dear readers,
As you may know, I’ve been struggling to get money for the past few months. I’ve been rejected from just about everywhere. JobSeeker, NDIS, basically every outlet in the country (besides NewsCorp and the Daily Mail cause I am not ready to sell my soul just yet).
Plus, for regular/proper jobs, my social media presence doesn’t pass the ‘google test’ apparently. What could I have possibly written that could make potential employers think I might cause them a controversy?
Anyway, I just wanted to tell you all that I’ve come up with a solution, to all my problems. I am going to get billions of dollars thrown my way by the government by simply changing my name to ‘Nuclear Submarine’.
With this one bit of admin work, my creative endeavours will whatever I want it to be. I mean the money will throw just one ‘Nuclear Submarine’, I will have more funding than the ABC!
Eat shit Bluey!
I could buy a house, set myself up for life then put the rest of the money to charity to fund all the social work that is apparently ‘too expensive’ for the government.
Plus, if I become a nuclear submarine, I can find work in the future in the transport sector when the country is underwater because listening to climate scientists about not giving more money to the fossil fuel industry ‘costs too much’ apparently?
I mean I could probably do all that and buy the political parties now that I think of it. I can be like Rupert Murdoch but not in a desperate wannabe bond-villain sort of way!
I am so excited for what the future holds.
Yours,
Nuclear Submarine (AKA the artist formerly known as John Delmenico)